Tuesday, June 07, 2005

i always wanted to recite in our rizal class, pero there's something in mam palmea that keeps me from doing so.. I don't find her intimidating naman, so I don't know what the heck is the problem with me..

yesterday, we had this discussion in rizal.. she asked us what was or would be our greatest downfall.. one thing shot straight out of my mind: my greatest downfall was the tarnishing of my reputation..

it was high school.. I was the subject of pranks and jokes both in the dorm and at school.. easily said, those were the most bitter moments of my life.. they made high school life for me hard as hell [yeah, thanks for ruining my life! bato-bato sa langit, ang tamaan, mamatay sana sa lakas ng bagsak ng meteor/meteorite/meteoroid! (ngex corny!)]..

at first, I was too hesitant to recite.. I really wanted to, but I didn't.. I don't want to let the whole class know my past, most especially since I have both new and old dormmates in class.. no, they're better off not knowing..

and I don't want to be haunted by my past.. my perfectly cruel, abnormal past..

after getting impatient, mam palmea called on a student.. he said that his greatest downfall was that he lost the SK election by 3 votes.. I was like, "that was it? that's your greatest downfall? geez, it's a good thing I didn't recite.. mine's too serious.. theirs are shallow.."

after calling on another student, mam palmea, obviously impatient and dissatisfied, told the class that she expected something more meaningful.. perhaps an event that can be remedied by doing other things but buries deep down inside you.. something that will last for a very long time, even forever..

by then, my heart was beating very fast.. I knew she waited for an answer.. I knew I had the answer she was waiting for..

when she looked at the door, I shot my hand just above head level, and quickly retreated it, hoping that she didn't see it.. it was because I asked for a sign.. if she sees my hand, then that means I really have to recite..

she called my attention.. I knew I had to do it..

mam, for me, my greatest downfall was and would always be the tarnishing of my reputation, kasi po people would have a hard time trusting you, tapos people would think of you as this and that, even though you really aren't that kind of person..

I was shaking really hard, not just because I was nervous, not just because I'm afraid of what my classmates would think of me after the revelation, but because mahirap balikan at alalahanin muli ang pinakamasakit na panahon sa buhay mo..

after saying that, what came out of mam palmea's mouth surprised me..

for that, I'm giving you a 1.50..

I never expected anything but a mediocre grade for recitation, but instead I get a 1.50.. at least my bravery paid off..

sana lang, yung sinabi niyang 1.50, hindi yun pang-recitation.. pang-final grade na..

ungas! asa ka naman!

and you thought you were the only one watching..